ground zero
I want to start over.
I have been wanting to get sober for a while. I waver back and forth if it’s even possible. Or worth it.
There are some days I am absolutely fine. Other days I fall apart.
I don’t know if I’m blaming the alcohol and drugs or if that has absolutely nothing to do with my problems.
I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can get sober and stay sober for a year. It terrifies me.
Why? Because I use substances to cope with my life.
When I get too anxious or stressed out, I take gummies or smoke weed.
When I have a long day and just want to “have fun” and “let go”, I drink. Wine or beer.
I also… and I can’t believe I’m actually gonna say this, but I’ve been taking adderall too. It’s so messed up. When I can’t focus or get myself to do the things I need to do, it helps.
So I think to myself, what happens when I take all of that away?
Oh, and then the other thing is that I’ve been vaping and smoking. It’s so weird. I don’t even feel like myself when I’m doing it. Like, I like it, yet I think it’s absolutely disgusting at the same time. I’ve been smoking since about November last year, so 7 months. I don’t even know why I keep doing it.
I feel so ashamed of myself. How did I get here?
And then there’s another part of me that thinks, “but it’s not that bad.”
“You only have 1 or 2 drinks every so often.”
“You only take a few hits of weed.”
“You only eat half a gummy when you do.”
But is it?
I’ve been drinking a lot since I met — let’s just call him John.
He’s 10 years younger than me, and a wild good time.
For the last 4 months we’ve been going out partying, hard. Some days we start drinking at noon for brunch, and we’ve drank all day.
We did mushrooms a few times. Not every time, but almost every time we were together we would get fucked up.
That’s the thing— I’ve been getting fucked up a lot.
I feel like a highly functioning addict. What’s so weird is that I have been playing with this idea of sobriety and recovery for a long time. YEARS.
This year, I’ve been to about 5 AA meetings. I typically just go and listen. Some days I’ll read the literature or daily reflections. I’ve even tried tracking the days I drink/get high and the days I don’t. It’s been getting more and more.
The weird thing about it is that I can’t imagine not doing it but I want to so bad.
But then when I think about actually doing it, I think it’s a stupid idea.
Tonight, I just want to be honest. The other day I opened up my notes app and wrote, “Starting Over Sober.” I looked up the domain and to my surprise(!) was still available. I guess it was meant to be.
What will I do as a sober person? How will I live? How will I operate? What will I do for fun? Will I enjoy or regret it? What are the benefits of being sober anyways?
I have been drinking and doing drugs for the last 26 years of my life. That’s like, 2/3rds of my life. I only really was ‘sober’ up until the age of 13, and then the times I was pregnant. I’ve never made it a full year of sobriety in all those years. And in all that time, I was never “in recovery.”
I focused on my bulimia recovery, and kept the fact that I wasn’t an alcoholic or addict in my back pocket. I couldn’t throw up anymore, but hey— I could drink! I could smoke weed!
It’s like taking candy from a baby. They cry until they get it back.
I have no idea what that would be like just going cold turkey on it all. What if I actually did it?
No more booze, THC, pills, or nicotine.
They say it’s easier to kick it all at once, amiright?
Goals=
365 days sober
One year of sobriety, singleness, and starting over.