It’s actually crazy to me how up and down this journey is. One day I’m totally in flow, feeling connected to God, on top of the world… and the next day I feel like a crazy person, cannot turn my brain off, and having thoughts that using and drinking would be a “good” solution. Now I know that is a lie…

When I look at my problems through this lens, of course I’m an alcoholic. Of course I need this program. Of course I’ve been unable to manage my life since I began drinking and using drugs. Everything just becomes so clear. I’ve been using drinking and drugs as a solution for my life, as a solution to my problems…. instead of recognizing that it will NEVER solve anything….and that nothing will ever change unless I change.

Since we are ultimately powerless— there is NOTHING we can do as individuals to help ourselves stay sober. I am starting to see the truth in that. Countless times I have woken up sick, miserable, hungover and declared to myself that I would “never do it again.” And then literally done it again shortly afterwards. How crazy is that?

“I am willing to change, I am willing to change, I am willing to change.” This morning I am reminded of a Louise Hay affirmation that I used many years ago. I believe that if I’m unwilling to change, nothing will change. If I am unwilling to change my thinking, my life won’t change.

This weekend, I had my first real “trigger” where I had a moderate urge to want to drink/use. On Saturday morning, I went to a meeting and a woman shared her intense story. Then people went around and shared; I stayed quiet. I started noticing my thoughts going to places like, “See she’s so much worse than you. You don’t need to be here. You don’t have a problem. You’re not like these people.”

NINE DAYS!!! I haven’t really had any major urges except for yesterday. I was not feeling well, laying in my bed. Friday night, what I would typically be doing is going out drinking and partying all night or staying in and smoking weed, getting fucked up and watching movies or whatever.

I am actually pleasantly surprised that I’ve made it over a week! It hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be.. Actually it was quite easy. That’s what I’m afraid of. For me, things are typically easier in the beginning. I can start things but where I struggle? Is continuing them. Keeping them up over time. The issue — or at least the pattern to be aware of is not falling back into old habits over time.

Nothing lately has made sense. Everything in my life has been turned upside down. I moved to a new city in a new home where I know NO ONE, my daily routines have been completely different than they ever have before, and I am doing this completely sober without the use of drugs or alcohol (which was a daily habit). And surprisingly? I am feeling happy and grateful despite being right smack in the middle of this huge transition.

What’s so interesting is that I do not have the desire to want to drink or use. I feel committed to my sobriety which is a new feeling for me. I’m finally seeing the benefits of staying sober and appreciating the gifts that it is bringing me today.

One major thing I have to be aware of is that for me, starting is not an issue. Starting, getting sober, getting a couple of days under my belt is great, yay I did it. Not a huge deal, I have done it before, dozens of times. What I need to watch out for is my thinking in the long term.

Dear Alcohol & Drugs… You have been there for me for SO many years and I have to tell you that I’m DONE. We have to break up.

The hard part is abstaining in the long term FOR GOOD, while doing the hard work of recovery. I don’t know yet what the work of recovery looks like, but I am willing to go on that journey.

I just want to feel normal again. I don’t want to have the desire to drink or do drugs. Am I powerless over it? Is my life unmanageable?

I can make a choice today to change. I don’t have to be “bad enough” or hit rock bottom in order for me to change. I just have to say, “I’m done.”

What if I get so uncomfortable I can’t take it? What if I cave from the pressure? What if I die from anxiety? What if I get embarrased because I’m not drinking?

One year of sobriety, singleness, and starting over.