DAY TWO

I went to a meeting yesterday. I didn’t speak because I resist calling myself an “alcoholic.” I’m not, am I?

This whole thing confuses me.

I thought an alcoholic was someone who drinks everyday, who can’t stop drinking when they start. That is not me.

I am someone who has been trying to quit drinking for decades, who always tells herself she won’t drink then does, and loses days and days of her life to being hungover, sick, and out of sorts.

I am someone who feels like they need a drink sometimes, not always — but often enough that it disrupts my life.

Does that make me an alcoholic?

I just want to feel normal again. I don’t want to have the desire to drink or do drugs.

I want to be free of it but I don’t know how.

The struggle that I have that has blocked me from getting help for this for a long time — is Step 1: We admitted we were powerless oer alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.

Am I powerless over it? Is my life unmanageable?

There’s been this interesting dynamic between these two parts of myself for YEARS. One part says, “You can’t keep doing this! You know this is so bad for you, you can’t control this and you need to stop,” and another part that says, “You’re not that bad. Everyone drinks. You’re allowed to have fun and relax sometimes. Besides, what would you do without it?”

My denial game is STRONG.

However the desire to stop peeks its head out every so often, after drinking all weekend or spending 2 days in bed nursing a hangover.

Or when I tell myself I’m just using a little bit, other people are WAY worse.

It’s about time that all of this STOPS.