DAY ONE

I woke up with a headache. My head is throbbing. I am about to start detoxing.

Today is day one. Clean and sober.

I was thinking back on how many times I’ve tried to “get sober.” It is laughable. Dozens of times. What makes me think this time is going to be any different?

I don’t know and I don’t have an answer for that. All I know is that I’m finally willing to be honest with myself. I know that part of my problem is being delusional and in denial about how bad things really are. But here’s the thing: they are only as bad as you will let them be.

Everyone has a choice as to what they will allow and not allow in their lives.

For me, I have seen drinking and using as such a “normal” behavior — that I have continued to do it, despite my negative feelings about it. I have been trying to stop drinking and using for over 20 years. If I continue to tell myself that I’m not bad enough, or that it isn’t a problem, then I give myself permission to just keep doing it.

On the other hand, I can make a choice today to change. I don’t have to be “bad enough” or hit rock bottom in order for me to change. I just have to say, “I’m done.”

I’m done with feeling like shit all the time.

I’m done numbing out my feelings.

I’m done with lifeless, shallow friendships based on drinking and going out.

I’m done waking up hungover and unable to function for a day or two at a time until I start to feel normal again.

I’m done trying to hide my addictions from everyone.

I’m done trying to be someone or something I’m not.

I’m done hiding.

I’m done holding myself back.

I’m done trying to cope with and manage my feelings with alcohol and drugs.

I’m done trying to lubricate my relationships and take the edge off of my anxiety by drinking.

I’m done wasting time, money, and energy on things that really don’t help me grow and evolve as a human being.

I don’t need to get drunk every day, go to jail or have some horrible consequences to thrust me into the decision to change.

I can just change right now.

I don’t need to go any further.

I can simply just make a decision today to say: “I’m done.”

Just for today. I will just focus on today, the here and now, being present and not worrying about the future.