DAY THREE

I found a sponsor yesterday. I guess I’m really gonna do this! I am terrified and looking forward to it at the same time.

I just want some relief, which is what they say the steps promise. Relief, freedom from the obsession. It has only been a few days so I haven’t thought about drinking or using much yet; I know for me it comes on strong at certain times when I’m feeling the urge and it’s hard to resist. So I want to prepare for those times as much as I can.

I have tried to get sober on my own the last 25 years and it hasn’t worked. I also really never took it seriously. I never realized how bad it really is for me, and when I did, those thoughts didn’t last long. They lasted until I took my next drink or hit, and I was off to the races again. I feel like I’m finally taking this serious.

What if I looked at this recovery process as a giant act of self-care and self-love. Because when I drink and use— that is not taking care of myself. It is directly harming my mind, body, and spirit. I never looked at it that way before.

Abstaining from these things in the short term has been relatively “easy” for me in the past though, I will say. I’ve been able to go weeks or months without alcohol or drugs in the past.

The hard part is abstaining in the long term FOR GOOD, while doing the hard work of recovery.

I don’t want to be “white-knuckling” it.

I want to gain the promises that they talk about in the Big Book.

I don’t know yet what the work of recovery looks like, but I am willing to go on that journey.

Last night I read the story from the Big Book titled, “Acceptance Was The Answer.”

I have read this story a dozen times in the past.

This section is what I’ve been grappling with for years:

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.”

~Big Book of AA, p.417

What would happen if I accept my alcoholism?

I would finally stop going back and forth, wondering if I need to quit or not.

I would come out of denial and stop thinking that I don’t have a “bad enough” problem.

I would accept the solution to my problem on a daily basis instead of fighting that I even have one.

That seems pretty reasonable to me.

What would happen if accepting my alcoholism was the best thing to ever happen to me?

I am open to the idea that this could change my life dramatically for the better and willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

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DAY FOUR

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DAY TWO