DAY FOUR

Dear Alcohol & Drugs,

You have been there for me for SO many years and I have to tell you that I’m DONE. We have to break up.

I can’t go on living like this anymore. From the very beginning, you lured me in and showed me that I didn’t need to feel, that I didn’t need to be ashamed of myself, because I could be someone else with you. I could let go, relax, and actually have “fun.” Little did I know that you would stick around for decades haunting me and coming back again and again to make my life miserable.

If I would have known that you would make my life worse from the beginning, I never would have picked you up. But there was the promise and the initial rush and euphoria of having you around that got me hooked from the beginning. I haven’t been able to put you down for the last 26 years. How sad.

I have stayed loyal to you over the years. When I realized I was an alcoholic, you played a dirty trick on me and switched me over to drugs and other addictions. How could you do this to me? I am ashamed of myself for listening to your lies and believing you over and over again for many years.

The biggest lie that you have told me is that “I need you.” Fuck you. I don’t need you. But you’ve made me think that I will always need you, to be waiting there for me “just in case.” Just in case I want to fuck my life up, my health, my relationships, everything I’ve built… because that has been what has happened. Every time I go back to you, you fuck my life up. You have fucked up my life is so many ways over the years— some big, some small, subtle and sneaky. But there literally has not been one good thing you have added to my life.

If that’s true, why do I feel such an allegiance and a loyalty to you then? How do you have such a death grip on my soul? Because being with you has given me temporary relief from the pain, allowed me to numb out my feelings, and not think about the difficult or scary things I would rather not face. You have been a crutch I have been leaning on for way too long. I grew up with you being the only one who was ever there for me, and even today I can count on you being there, waiting to provide the same relief and satisfaction I always got from you.

But the difference now is that I DON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE. I want to grow up. I want to learn to live life without you. Without a crutch. Without numbing out. Without feeling like I need you to feel normal, happy, or accepted. I want to live a life where I don’t have to worry, where I can rely on God instead of you.

With that said, we are breaking up indefinitely. You are no longer allowed in my life in any way, shape or form.

I am done with you and I want you to know you are not welcome anymore. I will not listen to your lies and sure as hell will not entertain the lie that I need you. I don’t need you. You need me.

You can go fuck yourself and I will be over here, healing and in recovery for as long as it takes, no matter what it takes, until I get to a place of freedom, peace, and joy without you.

xx