DAY FIVE

Writing this blog every day has been very cathartic for me. This is a commitment that I made to myself that I will continue to focus on one day at a time; God-willing I can keep this up and continue to share my thoughts. The biggest reason it’s been so helpful is that I’m finally being honest with myself.

The truth is that I’ve known that I’ve been an alcoholic for many many years… but haven’t wanted to do anything about it. I wasn’t ready. So why now? Nothing major has happened, I haven’t hit rock bottom, I haven’t lost anything or been to jail, institutions and not facing any legal consequences.

The reason my sobriety is so important to me now is that I am finally seeing it as a gift and the key to a better, healthier happier life.

That may seem simple or silly. To me it means everything in the world.

I want to learn how to be a normal person without having to always rely on something. I felt like such a slave to drugs and alcohol, always needing it, always using it to cope with my emotional state no matter what was coming up. I want to be free. I want to have fulfilling relationships with people who actually care about me and my wellbeing.

I keep writing about what I want because this is what is helping fuel me forward.

Every day I am writing and being honest with myself.

Every day I am praying and asking for God’s help.

Every day I am going to a meeting and listening to other’s experience, strength and hope.

These are the things that are keeping me sober today.

I have to remember how bad it used to be and look forward to how I want it to be, while staying grounded and grateful in the present.

One major thing I have to be aware of is that for me, starting is not an issue. Starting, getting sober, getting a couple of days under my belt is great, yay I did it. Not a huge deal, I have done it before, dozens of times.

What I need to watch out for is my thinking in the long term. It’s my tendency to brush off the importance of sobriety over time when I haven’t drank or used in weeks or months.

I’ve done this before. I’ve gotten sober, even worked the steps with a sponsor.

But what’s different about this time is that I’ve never committed in the long term before.

I’ve never dealt with some of the major underlying things that may be underneath because I’ve just never committed to my sobriety for longer than one year. I think the longest I’ve gone is about 11 months. And even then, I was NOT working the program, I was NOT surrendered, and I did NOT think I was an alcoholic.

So keeping up with my daily commitment to write, stay working my program, and continue to grow spiritually as I stay sober in the long term is my goal.

I am ready to do this, for good. And I recognize that all I have to do is not drink or use today. One day at a time.

As much as I hate to say it, the cliches and the simple slogans of the program really do help and they really do work.

Today, I’m having compassion for myself where I am and giving myself grace for not being further along. I am right here where I’m supposed to be and for me, that’s just perfect. Thanks for being here.