DAY SIX
It’s been so interesting the change in my thinking over the last week. I have been praying in the mornings, writing my thoughts on this blog, going to meetings every day and reading the Big Book. I started working with a sponsor and have began my step work.
What’s so interesting is that I do not have the desire to want to drink or use. I am feeling calmer and more peaceful within myself. Sure, I still feel anxiety and worry — but it hasn’t been debilitating as it has in the past.
I feel committed to my sobriety which is a new feeling for me. I’m finally seeing the benefits of staying sober and appreciating the gifts that it is bringing me today.
I have also accepted that I am an alcoholic, I am an addict, and that there really is no hope for me continuing on in this journey trying to pretend that I’m not. I’ve known it for a long time but didn’t want to admit it to myself because I never wanted to give up drinking or drugs.
What made the change? I have no idea. I have been asking for God’s help. I have been open and willing. I have accepted suggestions from other alcoholics. The only thing I know for sure is that I’m not going to drink or use today. That’s it.
I still can’t conceptualize what this looks like in the long term, but I don’t have to. I have no idea if I’m going to want to drink tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. All I can do is focus on right now and use the tools available to me to stay sober.
As long as I stay sober, I can handle it with God’s help.
As long as I stay sober, I know I will be alright.
I don’t have to drink or use when I have certain feelings. What I’m realizing is that when I drink or use in those moments, it actually makes the situation way worse. I am LESS capable of handling it when I’m intoxicated.
Why didn’t I realize that before? I was thinking all sorts of crazy things— but the only thing that matters is it makes sense now.
I feel SO much better every day that I do not drink or use. My concentration has been better. I’ve been clear headed and feeling more grounded. I feel happier. I feel like for the first time in my life that I can actually do this.
I don’t know if this is some “pink cloud” I’m floating on but I like it. I’m gonna hold on to this and keep doing what I’m doing because it is helping me and I see myself growing through this process.