DAY EIGHT

I am actually pleasantly surprised that I’ve made it over a week! Yay I am so grateful :)

It hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be.. Actually it was quite easy.

That’s what I’m afraid of. For me, things are typically easier in the beginning. I can start things but where I struggle? Is continuing them. Keeping them up over time. The issue — or at least the pattern to be aware of is not falling back into old habits over time.

I’ve gotten sober before. Stopped using for periods of time for whatever reason. Sometimes I’ve just needed a break. Or I had a really bad hangover or something happened and I just needed to stop for a while. The difference at those times was that I never had the intention to quit for good. I never had the intention to get into recovery. I never believed I NEEDED recovery.

But honestly? I do.

I have been using alcohol and drugs and other addictions as a crutch for over 25 years. I have been in recovery several times — serious recovery to deal with other things (PTSD, sexual abuse, depression/anxiety, eating disorders)— but it’s never really come up that drinking and using is a serious issue.

I’m now saying that it is.

I’m now declaring that I don’t WANT to drink or use any more.

That in and of itself is a MIRACLE!!!

I’ve NEVER in my life EVER wanted to quit these things for good. I feel like this is a change in my heart that I did NOT do myself. I’ve always been torn — like a part of me wants to stop drinking and a part of me doesn’t. It feels SO WEIRD to say that all of me wants to quit for good.

Sobriety never sounded so good.

Sobriety is what is alluring to me right now.

THAT IS A MIRACLE, AND FOR THAT I AM GRATEFUL.