DAY 16
Last night I went to a meeting where the topic was Step 2, “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” It really got me thinking.
I have believed in God for a very long time. There was a period in my childhood where I did not believe; in college my perception shifted dramatically and I started believing in a Power greater than myself.
The problem was that I never saw how this Power could HELP me. I was always trying to control everything and everyone around me, including myself — which was another problem.
At the beginning of this year, I chose a word for the year. I’ve been doing this for about 15 years, so this year was unlike any other. The word each year becomes a theme to learn and grow from. Interestingly enough, my word for this year was, “Surrender.”
I started letting go of the outcome of things. I asked God for direction on a few major decisions in my life, including where I should move to and what direction to take my career. Both were not answers that I would have chosen. But I listened, trusted the guidance and surrendered to God’s will for my life.
I believe that God also wants me to be sober and clean. I believe that He guided me to this place and put a desire in my heart to want sobriety. Never in my life have I ever thought that I would want sobriety… NEED it, yes, but to actually have a sincere desire to NOT want to drink or use? That is NOT something I could have done myself.
That was the underlying theme that I got last night at the meeting. Since we are ultimately powerless— there is NOTHING we can do as individuals to help ourselves stay sober. I am starting to see the truth in that. Countless times I have woken up sick, miserable, hungover and declared to myself that I would “never do it again.” And then literally done it again shortly afterwards.
How crazy is that?
Even though I didn’t want to admit that I needed sobriety, I am finally seeing that I am powerless over alcohol and drugs and that my life has become unmanageable. I can’t drink and use in moderation because it always leads to more. My body and mind is allergic to it. I feel like every time I drink or use it wakes up this beast inside me, like a scratch that no matter how hard you scratch it, it’s never satisfied.
The epiphany I had last night was that — in that space of powerlessness, only God can heal me. Restore me. Take away my obsessions. I realized He will give me everything I need on my path, as long as I am surrendered to Him. As long as I don’t take back control and think that I can do everything myself.