DAY 17
Admit my powerlessness. Came to believe a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Turn my will and my life over to the care of God.
These are the steps I’ve been wrestling with over the last few weeks. I led a meeting yesterday and shared honestly where I was at. I understand that the first 3 steps are the foundation for working a solid 12 step program; I admitted I was having trouble admitting my powerlessness. I wanted to know how everyone experienced the first 3 steps and the shares were SO powerful.
I am the only one who can decide. There is no magic pill. The most helpful thing I heard is that my brain, the way I think is actually the problem.
The fact that my brain is trying to convince me I’m NOT an alcoholic — despite all facts pointing towards it otherwise— is actually part of what defines alcoholism itself.
That makes a lot of sense — that I can’t always trust what my brain is saying! This is why I need a program such as Alcoholics Anonymous to show me where my thinking is wrong. The obsession of the mind, the bedevilments — the things I experienced with alcohol and drugs were only a symptom of the problem. They were only indicating a deeper problem.
This is really revolutionary for me to come to these understandings. When I look at my problems through this lens, of course I’m an alcoholic. Of course I need this program. Of course I’ve been unable to manage my life since I began drinking and using drugs. Everything just becomes so clear. I’ve been using drinking and drugs as a solution for my life, as a solution to my problems…. instead of recognizing that it will NEVER solve anything….and that nothing will ever change unless I change.
Here are the bedevilments that are listed in the Big Book:
Trouble with personal relationships
Inability to control emotions
Falling prey to misery and depression
Inability to earn a living
Feeling useless
Feeling filled with fear
Feeling unhappy
Being unable to be a help to others
These have been all things I’ve struggled with other the years and I can honestly say, wow. I really am powerless over alcohol and drugs and my life had become unmanageable. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was going down to a deep dark place. I am grateful that God pointed me in the right direction! Today, I am sober by the grace of God, and I will continue to work this program of recovery One Day at a Time.